Erotic Jokes

[wasnior]

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Things To Do While Cruising Wal-Mart

15 Things to do at Wal Mart while the spouse/partner is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares", . . . and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on lay away.
6. Move 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud. .. .. "Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

12 Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.

The son asked his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school.

You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replied, well that's for when you're in college.

You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for.

The father replies, well that's for when you're married.

You have one for January, one for February, one for March.... :lol:

Snow Fall

How is a man like a snow fall?

You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

[wasnior]

Ripe Tomatoes

A woman's garden was growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wouldn't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she had tried them all.

So she went to her neighbor and asked, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replied, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

It sounded strange, but she was very tired of green tomatoes, so she gave it a try.

The next day her neighbor asked how it had worked.

"So-so," she answered. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

Bad Date

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Let's Pretend

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.??? Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Single

A woman was shopping at her local store where she selected:

1/2 gallon of milk,
carton of eggs,
quart of OJ,
& 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "cause you're ugly."

Jeopardy, Sir?

A man from "deep country" went to the Montego Bay Airport, very hysterical, carrying his luggage, passport, and other necessary items for travel. He anxiously asked the agent at the ticket counter, (with thick Jamaican accent)" Do, sell me a ticket to Jeopardy, ma'am." The agent looked confused."Jeopardy, Sir? Where is that?" The man got even more anxious & agitated. "Mi nuh ha' time fi fool. Jus' sell mi a ticket to Jeopardy."

The agent looked through her map and other materials. "Sir, there is no such place! Are you sure that's where you need to travel?" The man lost his temper and slammed his fist on the counter."Look, 'ooman. Mi seh mi nuh have time fi fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis mawning seh 900 jobs inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi wan' fi go NOW!"

[bigdoc]

MALE VS. FEMALE

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

****************************** *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
Easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.